Posted in Life

Family

I spent Easter weekend with my family and in true Christina fashion I somehow created a situation that made a few upset. I don’t understand how I have a knack for doing this. I think of myself as compassionate, and caring but apparently I say the wrong things sometimes. I offended several members of my family with observations I had and how I approached some news I was given regarding one person. None of this was from a place of malice or hate, but the way I said things apparently made them angry. I regret what I said even though in no way did I mean it the way it was taken.

I spoke to my siblings the following morning and they say now they understand what I meant but still feel it was inappropriate. They also said they love me and not to worry.

I’ve always been sensitive and feel too much. I also care so much that I tend to pry which pisses people off. If they want to tell me something they would I suppose, but my nature leads to me pushing until I get what I want.

I had several heart to heart talks, which has helped me not feel like a total asshole. But there is one person that was involved in this particular situation that won’t speak to me.

This situation has made me look at myself, how I approach situations particularly. I need to learn how to think before I speak and even learn how to not say anything at all. I love my family more than they know, but sometimes loving doesn’t mean knowing everything. I need to trust that they will reach out if they need to.

Every day I learn more about myself. As we get older and have the ability to share feelings more openly, especially between siblings I think gives us the opportunity to do better.

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Posted in Life

Friendship as an adult

I haven’t had a ton of friends in my life. Many acquaintances but not many close friends. As an adult and moving away from the only friends I had was a struggle. Making friends as an adult is an interesting thing. You don’t really go out of your way to make any. You have work, and romantic relationships that take premise. So when you do make a friend it is kind of grand. Finding people who are like minded with you, sorta on the same path career wise etc. I have a story to tell about the friends I’ve (we’ve made) since moving to Kelowna.

But before I get into that

I have to talk a little about the so-called friend I made in Calgary during the 6 years I lived there. Again, I moved across the country to get away from a toxic relationship. I was wholly focused on my career and my dogs. I met this girl I worked with and found out we had similar interests. Like old movies, musicals especially. We both loved sci-fi and things of that nature. So I invited her out to catch a movie and we hit it off and hung out a lot for about a year. 

Single White female

Not long after we moved in together I started seeing the signs I wished I had seen prior. If I wasn’t at home in the evenings she’d stalk my facebook activity, text, call or try to contact me otherwise. She even told me up front that she broke into my computer to read my messages and emails to find out what I was up to at one point. I tried to ignore these things because I am not one to really care what other people do. But then she started getting mad at me for things like me not cleaning the house on a specific day with her. Side note: growing up with the large family I had, led to me cleaning constantly clean as you go if you will. So I was ALWAYS cleaning, she just didn’t see it so of course in her mind it wasn’t happening.

At that point in my life my mom moved in with me. John (step dad) and my younger siblings moved back to Texas. Mom had to wait awhile for some paperwork to go through. So mom moved in. After a few weeks she (I won’t name her because I am not that type of person) starting saying the same thing about my mom…she didn’t clean or help out with rent etc. This coming from a girl who never paid her rent to my brother in the 3 months she lived with us.

Then I met Luke

So months later I met Luke (my husband). I started spending a lot of time with him and taking the dogs with me and just not being there. I decided to move out and she wanted her boyfriend to move in. I asked for a lease agreement to be signed and she thought was a ridiculous ask since she owned the place. I had to explain my legal rights regarding allowing another person to live in the home I owned. After many verbal battles and name calling and me putting my foot down saying “he can’t move in without a lease”, it was signed.

I really don’t want to go on about her but it went on. So many issues from them returning any mail to sender, to saying I couldn’t check up on the place after a year etc.

All that to say

After that I really didn’t make friends. I knew people from work but never made any substantial connections. Maybe from fear, maybe because I just didn’t care anymore. Who knows. So we move to Kelowna. A place infamous for “clicks” apparently. We are renting in this adorable old little home from a young guy. We are about 7-10 years older than the gang that shares the back yard with us in the summers. But they are all lovely and invite us out and over. Then a new neighbour moved in (Sam) and we didn’t talk much at first. Probably due to the lack of interest of meeting new people on my part. One night though, we had a fire and sat a talked for hours and she and I are completely on the same page. We are like minded souls. Luke gets along with her too which is great.

Another strange but wonderful relationship started on a flight back from Vancouver and I sat beside Tara. She’s around my age and we just chit chatted about whatever. At the end of the flight which is only an hour long she gave me her card. She said “call me to meet up for a drink sometime.” I thought that was sweet. Later I found out when she moved here she had a hard time meeting people and thought she’d make it easier on me.

We met up and hit it off and decided to introduce our boys to each other. Kirk had a key chain with the Oilers on it and Luke who is a huge Oilers fan saw it and well that was that.

To finish this off I’d like to share a quote from one of my favourite movies. “When I was a little girl, I’d spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally I’d give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up they were crawling all over me.” – Under the Tuscan Sun

The point is stop trying so hard. It happened for me with my husband and it happened with new friends who are dear to me. In life we work ourselves up, and stress about things. But life and love will happen for you. If you just let it.

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Posted in Life

Grief among other things

My brother Chris passed last October. It was sudden and a shock to our whole family. I won’t get into what happened out of respect but it was traumatic. Having not seen him in a couple years all I felt was guilt, regret and loss. We spoke several times over the years but because we lived in different countries, it was hard to get together. I wanted to make it to his wedding and he wanted to make it to mine. But life always got in the way.

The guilt and regret I felt sent me through a bout of depression. I drank way to much and distanced myself rather than reach out to those who were going through this pain with me. We have a sibling chat on Facebook messenger which allows us to communicate as a group. It’s mostly used for quips and information sharing, nothing to serious. I know that a lot of my siblings hurt harder than me seeing as they were closer to Chris than I was but I never reached out to talk to them one on one. Why is that? What am I scared of? It would help me heal I think if I listened to them and talked about everything. I’ve made a promise to myself to do better at this. It’s still a work in progress though.

Menopause

On top of that my body starting changing. Maybe it was due to stress, I don’t know for sure but my moods were getting worse. I tried to not show it on the outside but I felt like I was dying. I found a lump on my breast and just starting getting sick all the time. I’m not one to be sick more than once a year so this was all very real and scary to me.

I went to the doctor and they couldn’t find anything wrong. The lump was treated with anti-inflammatoires and antibiotics and eventually went away. I finally got a family doctor and I told him about everything. He did some blood work and found out I’m menopausal! I had never heard of anyone this young going through menopause. I spoke with my mom and it’s apparently a thing in my family.

Stress

I’ve always had high stress, I work things up in my mind and over analyze. I think this is also partially hereditary too. My mom has always been a high stress person, so maybe I got that from her too. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing because it puts a fire under my butt when stuff needs to get done. As I get older though I think it’s directly linked to my health.

All of this being said, I am working to always do better and although I keep failing I won’t give up. The goals I have set for myself are there, I just really gotta stop doing the same old things to deal with pain, and stress etc. I need to communicate more with my family and friends. I need to stop worrying about things that aren’t a priority in my life.

I’m writing all this while away on a mini 4 day vacation. I will talk about this city and what to do here in my next post. Thanks for listening.

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