Posted in Life

Family

I spent Easter weekend with my family and in true Christina fashion I somehow created a situation that made a few upset. I don’t understand how I have a knack for doing this. I think of myself as compassionate, and caring but apparently I say the wrong things sometimes. I offended several members of my family with observations I had and how I approached some news I was given regarding one person. None of this was from a place of malice or hate, but the way I said things apparently made them angry. I regret what I said even though in no way did I mean it the way it was taken.

I spoke to my siblings the following morning and they say now they understand what I meant but still feel it was inappropriate. They also said they love me and not to worry.

I’ve always been sensitive and feel too much. I also care so much that I tend to pry which pisses people off. If they want to tell me something they would I suppose, but my nature leads to me pushing until I get what I want.

I had several heart to heart talks, which has helped me not feel like a total asshole. But there is one person that was involved in this particular situation that won’t speak to me.

This situation has made me look at myself, how I approach situations particularly. I need to learn how to think before I speak and even learn how to not say anything at all. I love my family more than they know, but sometimes loving doesn’t mean knowing everything. I need to trust that they will reach out if they need to.

Every day I learn more about myself. As we get older and have the ability to share feelings more openly, especially between siblings I think gives us the opportunity to do better.

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Posted in Life

Grief among other things

My brother Chris passed last October. It was sudden and a shock to our whole family. I won’t get into what happened out of respect but it was traumatic. Having not seen him in a couple years all I felt was guilt, regret and loss. We spoke several times over the years but because we lived in different countries, it was hard to get together. I wanted to make it to his wedding and he wanted to make it to mine. But life always got in the way.

The guilt and regret I felt sent me through a bout of depression. I drank way to much and distanced myself rather than reach out to those who were going through this pain with me. We have a sibling chat on Facebook messenger which allows us to communicate as a group. It’s mostly used for quips and information sharing, nothing to serious. I know that a lot of my siblings hurt harder than me seeing as they were closer to Chris than I was but I never reached out to talk to them one on one. Why is that? What am I scared of? It would help me heal I think if I listened to them and talked about everything. I’ve made a promise to myself to do better at this. It’s still a work in progress though.

Menopause

On top of that my body starting changing. Maybe it was due to stress, I don’t know for sure but my moods were getting worse. I tried to not show it on the outside but I felt like I was dying. I found a lump on my breast and just starting getting sick all the time. I’m not one to be sick more than once a year so this was all very real and scary to me.

I went to the doctor and they couldn’t find anything wrong. The lump was treated with anti-inflammatoires and antibiotics and eventually went away. I finally got a family doctor and I told him about everything. He did some blood work and found out I’m menopausal! I had never heard of anyone this young going through menopause. I spoke with my mom and it’s apparently a thing in my family.

Stress

I’ve always had high stress, I work things up in my mind and over analyze. I think this is also partially hereditary too. My mom has always been a high stress person, so maybe I got that from her too. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing because it puts a fire under my butt when stuff needs to get done. As I get older though I think it’s directly linked to my health.

All of this being said, I am working to always do better and although I keep failing I won’t give up. The goals I have set for myself are there, I just really gotta stop doing the same old things to deal with pain, and stress etc. I need to communicate more with my family and friends. I need to stop worrying about things that aren’t a priority in my life.

I’m writing all this while away on a mini 4 day vacation. I will talk about this city and what to do here in my next post. Thanks for listening.

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Posted in Life

More honesty (but a little lighter)

In my last blog I shared some pretty intimate details of my past. I re-read it and it came across quick and lifeless, even though it was extremely personal. I realized it could be the SEO that I use to help me since I’m still new to this writing thing. So I’ve decided to step back a little from the “rules” I’m being told on how to write.

So true story:

I have been struggling with sickness the last few months. Colds, stomach pains, lumps, headaches, you name it! It could be a combination of depression from my brothers passing, but also to not truly knowing my direction. It could also be that I am premenopausal! I am 39 years old and found out that this is a thing.

It could all somehow be related though. My step brother Chris was in my life from the time I was ten and he was about 3. Mind you I left living with the majority of my family at the age of 16 to move in with my dad. This lead to a disconnect from me and my siblings.

A little back story;

My mom (Mireille) and dad (Brooks) had 4 kids. Myself, Marieanne, Anthony and Michelle. My step dad (John) had Heidi, Celeste, John, Chris and Sue when we all became a family. My mom had Andre, Carmel, Jaime, Katrina and Aime while we all lived together. My dad had James and Adria before my mom. There are a few more to add to this mixed blended family but this was the family I was aware of at the time.

If that didn’t confuse you, you’re good! I still get lost especially with birthdays. I should know them all but I don’t. I know the months but again I moved away from most of the siblings when I was still young.

That was supposed to be just a little insight and turned into an ancestry post or something.  Anyway, there were many reasons I moved away, but one of my main reasons was I wanted my own space. Imagine sharing a room with 4 girls you’re whole life! I also wanted to finish high school in actual school.  I was home schooled from the time I was in third grade until 10th.

To be continued.

At this point I feel it might be getting long winded so i will pause for now. I will say that I felt much more like myself in writing this.  So the SEO thing can kiss my ass.  It may be good for “likes” or “followers” or whatever.  But I am here to share my story and journey and if my writing style is to passive or long winded I apologize.

Obviously there is more to tell…

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