I spent Easter weekend with my family and in true Christina fashion I somehow created a situation that made a few upset. I don’t understand how I have a knack for doing this. I think of myself as compassionate, and caring but apparently I say the wrong things sometimes. I offended several members of my family with observations I had and how I approached some news I was given regarding one person. None of this was from a place of malice or hate, but the way I said things apparently made them angry. I regret what I said even though in no way did I mean it the way it was taken.
I spoke to my siblings the following morning and they say now they understand what I meant but still feel it was inappropriate. They also said they love me and not to worry.
I’ve always been sensitive and feel too much. I also care so much that I tend to pry which pisses people off. If they want to tell me something they would I suppose, but my nature leads to me pushing until I get what I want.
I had several heart to heart talks, which has helped me not feel like a total asshole. But there is one person that was involved in this particular situation that won’t speak to me.
This situation has made me look at myself, how I approach situations particularly. I need to learn how to think before I speak and even learn how to not say anything at all. I love my family more than they know, but sometimes loving doesn’t mean knowing everything. I need to trust that they will reach out if they need to.
Every day I learn more about myself. As we get older and have the ability to share feelings more openly, especially between siblings I think gives us the opportunity to do better.
My brother Chris passed last October. It was sudden and a shock to our whole family. I won’t get into what happened out of respect but it was traumatic. Having not seen him in a couple years all I felt was guilt, regret and loss. We spoke several times over the years but because we lived in different countries, it was hard to get together. I wanted to make it to his wedding and he wanted to make it to mine. But life always got in the way.
The guilt and regret I felt sent me through a bout of depression. I drank way to much and distanced myself rather than reach out to those who were going through this pain with me. We have a sibling chat on Facebook messenger which allows us to communicate as a group. It’s mostly used for quips and information sharing, nothing to serious. I know that a lot of my siblings hurt harder than me seeing as they were closer to Chris than I was but I never reached out to talk to them one on one. Why is that? What am I scared of? It would help me heal I think if I listened to them and talked about everything. I’ve made a promise to myself to do better at this. It’s still a work in progress though.
On top of that my body starting changing. Maybe it was due to stress, I don’t know for sure but my moods were getting worse. I tried to not show it on the outside but I felt like I was dying. I found a lump on my breast and just starting getting sick all the time. I’m not one to be sick more than once a year so this was all very real and scary to me.
I went to the doctor and they couldn’t find anything wrong. The lump was treated with anti-inflammatoires and antibiotics and eventually went away. I finally got a family doctor and I told him about everything. He did some blood work and found out I’m menopausal! I had never heard of anyone this young going through menopause. I spoke with my mom and it’s apparently a thing in my family.
I’ve always had high stress, I work things up in my mind and over analyze. I think this is also partially hereditary too. My mom has always been a high stress person, so maybe I got that from her too. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing because it puts a fire under my butt when stuff needs to get done. As I get older though I think it’s directly linked to my health.
All of this being said, I am working to always do better and although I keep failing I won’t give up. The goals I have set for myself are there, I just really gotta stop doing the same old things to deal with pain, and stress etc. I need to communicate more with my family and friends. I need to stop worrying about things that aren’t a priority in my life.
I’m writing all this while away on a mini 4 day vacation. I will talk about this city and what to do here in my next post. Thanks for listening.
I just finished reading the book “The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson. It was an eye opener for me. I have read many “improve yourself” type books but nothing has got me to think differently until now. He talks about how to retrain your mind to stop thinking you need to be extraordinary in order to lead a good, grounded, happy life. He says “improving our lives hinges not on our ability to turn lemons into lemonade, but on learning to stomach lemons better.”
It’s all about perspective. For example if you had a dream to be a famous artist but didn’t want the hassle of going to art school and learning and growing as an artist, maybe being a famous artist isn’t actually what you should do. He says to take that list of wants you have in your life and then figure out how you would get there and then think if you want to make the trip.
At one point a couple years ago, I actually quit my career as a sales manager, a field I’d been working in for over a decade to paint. I did a couple of art shows and sold a few paintings but then nothing. I had to start making money but I was hell bent on not going back into the corporate world so I ending up starting a cleaning business. That lasted a couple months, because I got depressed since I was alone all the time.
I then got into a position managing a Starbucks in Calgary. I wanted to continue focusing on art and thought a coffee shop environment would be the perfect blend of making a living and encourage my creativity. That was a error in judgement as well. I was busier then I had been in years, and getting up at 4am everyday to sling coffee was – not – inspiring! All that to say is that I know art and creativity is very important to me. The path of being a starving artist is not the path I want, which means I will have to work a real job and create when I can. I’ve become more comfortable with this fact. Still learning and excited about it. Until next time….