Posted in Life

Grief among other things

My brother Chris passed last October. It was sudden and a shock to our whole family. I won’t get into what happened out of respect but it was traumatic. Having not seen him in a couple years all I felt was guilt, regret and loss. We spoke several times over the years but because we lived in different countries, it was hard to get together. I wanted to make it to his wedding and he wanted to make it to mine. But life always got in the way.

The guilt and regret I felt sent me through a bout of depression. I drank way to much and distanced myself rather than reach out to those who were going through this pain with me. We have a sibling chat on Facebook messenger which allows us to communicate as a group. It’s mostly used for quips and information sharing, nothing to serious. I know that a lot of my siblings hurt harder than me seeing as they were closer to Chris than I was but I never reached out to talk to them one on one. Why is that? What am I scared of? It would help me heal I think if I listened to them and talked about everything. I’ve made a promise to myself to do better at this. It’s still a work in progress though.

Menopause

On top of that my body starting changing. Maybe it was due to stress, I don’t know for sure but my moods were getting worse. I tried to not show it on the outside but I felt like I was dying. I found a lump on my breast and just starting getting sick all the time. I’m not one to be sick more than once a year so this was all very real and scary to me.

I went to the doctor and they couldn’t find anything wrong. The lump was treated with anti-inflammatoires and antibiotics and eventually went away. I finally got a family doctor and I told him about everything. He did some blood work and found out I’m menopausal! I had never heard of anyone this young going through menopause. I spoke with my mom and it’s apparently a thing in my family.

Stress

I’ve always had high stress, I work things up in my mind and over analyze. I think this is also partially hereditary too. My mom has always been a high stress person, so maybe I got that from her too. Sometimes it’s not a bad thing because it puts a fire under my butt when stuff needs to get done. As I get older though I think it’s directly linked to my health.

All of this being said, I am working to always do better and although I keep failing I won’t give up. The goals I have set for myself are there, I just really gotta stop doing the same old things to deal with pain, and stress etc. I need to communicate more with my family and friends. I need to stop worrying about things that aren’t a priority in my life.

I’m writing all this while away on a mini 4 day vacation. I will talk about this city and what to do here in my next post. Thanks for listening.

Posted in Life

More honesty (but a little lighter)

In my last blog I shared some pretty intimate details of my past. I re-read it and it came across quick and lifeless, even though it was extremely personal. I realized it could be the SEO that I use to help me since I’m still new to this writing thing. So I’ve decided to step back a little from the “rules” I’m being told on how to write.

So true story:

I have been struggling with sickness the last few months. Colds, stomach pains, lumps, headaches, you name it! It could be a combination of depression from my brothers passing, but also to not truly knowing my direction. It could also be that I am premenopausal! I am 39 years old and found out that this is a thing.

It could all somehow be related though. My step brother Chris was in my life from the time I was ten and he was about 3. Mind you I left living with the majority of my family at the age of 16 to move in with my dad. This lead to a disconnect from me and my siblings.

A little back story;

My mom (Mireille) and dad (Brooks) had 4 kids. Myself, Marieanne, Anthony and Michelle. My step dad (John) had Heidi, Celeste, John, Chris and Sue when we all became a family. My mom had Andre, Carmel, Jaime, Katrina and Aime while we all lived together. My dad had James and Adria before my mom. There are a few more to add to this mixed blended family but this was the family I was aware of at the time.

If that didn’t confuse you, you’re good! I still get lost especially with birthdays. I should know them all but I don’t. I know the months but again I moved away from most of the siblings when I was still young.

That was supposed to be just a little insight and turned into an ancestry post or something.  Anyway, there were many reasons I moved away, but one of my main reasons was I wanted my own space. Imagine sharing a room with 4 girls you’re whole life! I also wanted to finish high school in actual school.  I was home schooled from the time I was in third grade until 10th.

To be continued.

At this point I feel it might be getting long winded so i will pause for now. I will say that I felt much more like myself in writing this.  So the SEO thing can kiss my ass.  It may be good for “likes” or “followers” or whatever.  But I am here to share my story and journey and if my writing style is to passive or long winded I apologize.

Obviously there is more to tell…

Posted in Life

A little history

This is going to be brutally honest and perhaps a bit shocking, but I feel I should share some of my history. I talked about moving across the country in my last post and want to expand on that.

During my 20’s I went through several pretty bad relationships. I met Justin and we had a weird relationship, he was never nice to me even in the beginning. I still struggle with why I was ever with him. We had got pregnant and I had an abortion. Although he had agreed to this, after the fact he was really angry with me. He began physically abusing me, that was a scary time for me. I tried to get away from him but he always stalked me. He once broke into my car and took my steering wheel so I couldn’t go anywhere. One night he hurt me pretty bad. I was hospitalized from the wounds and trauma I suffered. He was arrested and went to jail for this, I was finally free of him.

I met Dan in 2006, he was charming and attractive and we moved in together within 3 months of knowing each other. Everyone that met him liked him, including my family. I spent 5 years of my life with this man. We had friends and went on trips but there was a dark side to him. He would get black out drunk and hit me and then not remember doing it the next day and begging for me to forgive him. He also cheated on me a lot.

The first time it happened I was broken. He begged for forgiveness and I gave it to him. It happened again and again and I always forgave him. I always had an excuse for him. He had me in this trap, I felt mentally drained all the time. I wasn’t taking care of myself and I didn’t see a way out.

He cheated on me a final time and I just said that is it and decided to move from Kingston Ontario to Calgary. I knew if I stayed he would perhaps lure me back and I couldn’t have it. A lot of my family lived in Calgary, and my brother offered me a place to stay.

What I learned from these past relationships is that I matter. I started caring about myself again. I actually stopped looking for relationships and focused on my career when I met my husband. Luke is polar opposite to anyone I’ve ever dated. He is all around good, he’s patient, loving and loyal. We’ve been together nearly 5 years now and I couldn’t be happier.

Don’t ever let your past determine your future.